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A March Through the Mind of America Yet Another Report on the Education Crisis

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God Rest Ye Merry Bureaucrats

by Christopher Chantrill
December 17, 2006 at 7:27 pm

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HOW DOES THE old carol go?

God rest ye merry, bureaucrats,

At this time of good cheer we ought not to forget bureaucrats. This is the age of the bureaucrat, after all. We build vast temple complexes to honor bureaucracy at the center of every major city—office buildings. The French for office is bureau, but they call their bureaucrats fonctionnaires, functionaries. Bureaucrats are the champions of order and stability. And like the gentlemen addressed in the original carol, it is not clear exactly what they do. But it is impolite to ask.

Let nothing you dismay.

People who take up the function of bureaucrat, we know, are people who are afraid of everything. Protected from almost every adversity, they are consequently frightened to do anything that might stir things up. Perhaps that is why the complete plans of the Ba’athist insurgency, discovered by low-level US bureaucrats in the ruins of the Iraqi foreign ministry soon after the fall of Baghdad, never got up the chain of command, according to Stephen F. Hayes of the Weekly Standard. Imagine how the intelligence might have interfered with the well-laid plans of the US State Department and US Defense Department to transform the land between the rivers into a bureaucratic democracy just like the United States.

For Jesus Christ our Savior,
Was born on Christmas Day;

Hmm. That won’t do. Obscure prophets can’t save the planet, not in today’s complex society. Saving the planet starts with scientific research conducted by teams of government scientists writing in peer-reviewed journals. Experts agree that the symbolic sacrifice of God’s Son will not be enough to save the world. Real sacrifice by real people will be needed.

To save us all from Satan’s power,
When we were gone astray.

How did humans manage to keep to the straight and narrow down the ages without the rational, factual supervision of bureaucratic experts? Thank goodness for wage and hour laws to save us from the oppression of those dark Satanic mills. And compulsory education to make sure that our children are splendidly literate and numerate. And pure food laws to make sure that Taco Bell and Olive Garden don’t poison us with E. Coli. But do we really need to be protected from minor things like unsafe sex?

O tidings of comfort and joy,
For Jesus Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas day.

We are going to have to do something about that Jesus Christ bit, because it might be offensive to some people. Perhaps we could replace the Savior with the patron saint of bureaucrats. But who is the patron saint of the fonctionnaires?

Surprisingly enough, Google is not that helpful. One scholar recommends Confucius, certainly the inspiration of the Chinese imperial bureaucracy. Another proposes St. Matthew, a tax collector before talent spotters discovered his literary talent. Or there is this:

Q: Why is Christopher Columbus the Patron Saint of Bureaucrats?
A: Because when he left he didn’t know where he was going, when he got there he didn’t know where he was, when he got back he didn’t know where he’d been, and he did it all on government money!

For Christopher Columbus
Was born on Fitzmas Day

That’s just our little joke. Fitzmas, you will remember, was the day on which bureaucratic special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald was going to indict the evil genius Karl Rove and maybe even the Vice President for performing the unspeakable act of naming the name of a bureaucrat operating deep in the Central Intelligence Agency. Taboo is taboo, and some things are so sacred that they must never be mentioned except obliquely through the manipulation of symbols in obscure bureaucratic rites.

’Tis the season, and we should observe its injunction of Peace on Earth, good will towards men, even bureaucrats. But has anyone noticed that the west is trying to win the war on terror with ponderous bureaucratic organizations that are resisting mightily their orders to engage with an enemy that is, significantly, organized into loose entrepreneurial bands? What would the late John Boyd, the inventor of the OODA Loop, have said about that? In his understanding you won a conflict by thinking and acting faster than your adversary. The idea was to render the adversary confused and demoralized.

At Christmas 2006 you’d have to admit that someone—Satan, perhaps—has done a pretty good job of making the United States confused and demoralized. The bureaucrats had better make merry while they still can.

Christopher Chantrill blogs at americanmanifestobook.blogspot.com.

Buy his Road to the Middle Class.

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Chappies

“But I saw a man yesterday who knows a fellow who had it from a chappie that said that Urquhart had been dipping himself a bit recklessly off the deep end.”  —Freddy Arbuthnot
Dorothy L. Sayers, Strong Poison

Hugo on Genius

“Tear down theory, poetic systems... No more rules, no more models... Genius conjures up rather than learns... ” —Victor Hugo
César Graña, Bohemian versus Bourgeois

Education

“We have met with families in which for weeks together, not an article of sustenance but potatoes had been used; yet for every child the hard-earned sum was provided to send them to school.”
E. G. West, Education and the State

Faith & Purpose

“When we began first to preach these things, the people appeared as awakened from the sleep of ages—they seemed to see for the first time that they were responsible beings...”
Finke, Stark, The Churching of America, 1776-1990

Conversion

“When we received Christ,” Phil added, “all of a sudden we now had a rule book to go by, and when we had problems the preacher was right there to give us the answers.”
James M. Ault, Jr., Spirit and Flesh

Postmodernism

A writer who says that there are no truths, or that all truth is ’merely relative’, is asking you not to believe him. So don’t.
Roger Scruton, Modern Philosophy

Faith and Politics

As far as the Catholic Church is concerned, the principal focus of her interventions in the public arena is the protection and promotion of the dignity of the person, and she is thereby consciously drawing particular attention to principles which are not negotiable... [1.] protection of life in all its stages, from the first moment of conception until natural death; [2.] recognition and promotion of the natural structure of the family... [3.] the protection of the right of parents to educate their children.
Pope Benedict XVI, Speech to European Peoples Party, 2006

China and Christianity

At first, we thought [the power of the West] was because you had more powerful guns than we had. Then we thought it was because you had the best political system. Next we focused on your economic system. But in the past twenty years, we have realized that the heart of your culture is your religion: Christianity.
David Aikman, Jesus in Beijing

Religion, Property, and Family

But the only religions that have survived are those which support property and the family. Thus the outlook for communism, which is both anti-property and anti-family, (and also anti-religion), is not promising.
F.A. Hayek, The Fatal Conceit

Conservatism

Conservatism is the philosophy of society. Its ethic is fraternity and its characteristic is authority — the non-coercive social persuasion which operates in a family or a community. It says ‘we should...’.
Danny Kruger, On Fraternity

US Life in 1842

Families helped each other putting up homes and barns. Together, they built churches, schools, and common civic buildings. They collaborated to build roads and bridges. They took pride in being free persons, independent, and self-reliant; but the texture of their lives was cooperative and fraternal.
Michael Novak, The Spirit of Democratic Capitalism

Society and State

For [the left] there is only the state and the individual, nothing in between. No family to rely on, no friend to depend on, no community to call on. No neighbourhood to grow in, no faith to share in, no charities to work in. No-one but the Minister, nowhere but Whitehall, no such thing as society - just them, and their laws, and their rules, and their arrogance.
David Cameron, Conference Speech 2008

presented by Christopher Chantrill

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